Bananas and Tripe

Last orders at The Toon Saloon

I won't let Newcastle United's inability to kick their way out of a wet paper back get in the way of a brilliant week end away. Shearer now apparently runs a chip shop with Elvis and Princess Diana somewhere near Albufeira. Like my blog, good things come to those who wait, but man why couldn't I have been born in Manchester or Delhi so I could see some silverware....

As a man who tries not to fly, every time I look up, the sky is criss crossed with slashes of vapour trails. Do you remember when air hostesses used to be five feet ten, stunning and have to have a university degree AND were told off if they didn't give enough gin out? Now we get Tracy from Essex pouring 200cc of warm beer in your lap and charging 35 quid for the priviledge. Third runway at Heathrow? One is enough - level all the flight prices and forget so called hubs and global trade ( or lack of it if there isn't enough runway space) Eat local, trade local, die local.

Calvin's greenhouse and 20,000 tomatoes ripe in three weeks..

New bar and kitchen area at Tipi Algarve

We have just returned from a week end around Monchique. Friday night was at Tipi Algarve, Calvin and Nadines on the way up to Monchique. And

a) Wow... seven tipis and a yurt and a fabulous bar \ communal area, the place looks great

b) Sorry I got so drunk

c) Sorry to the Woofers who I woke up at 3 am mowing the lawn naked withh Garth Brookes on at full blast*

d) After haking around my banana to fix a tube it has started flowering  -turns out I left too many babies around the mother ship - one or two max.

e) Tripe is my woffling blog - such a good week end, thanks all!

My own vapour trail

Saturday night we stayed in the middle of nowhere, without a street light to be seen unfortunately the clouds and rain moved in to stop any view of the stars, but allowed us to safetly BBQ a few chilli beans., using charcoal hewn from a seven year old forest fire. What a spot - 7km North of Monchique. Within two minutes of driving a km off the road, a local arrived, shook my hand, smiled and said "Ar Pura" (fresh air) and gave me a bunch of flowers. Fearing a scene from the film Deliverance, I took the flowers which turned out to be a stress reliving tea. It worked, he didn't return in the middle of the night with a pick up, large mates and guns.

The view from the bedroom window, middle of nowhere

Tea, deliverance style

Thanks to Jonathan of Rainbow, I installed an Apple Struddle inverter and had full internet access, dodgy DVD show and a shave really in the middle of nowhere. We will return on a clear night and view the stars like I used to when Portugal didn't have street lights anywhere - this is more sky pollution.

Owl and The Indiana Jones Look

On Sunday we caught up with Lesley Martins, Permaculture teacher and really fantastic lady, and swopped addresses, contacts and thoughts. Unless you get out, meet similar minded people (via the Net) you cannot progress in this life. I am often guilty of hiding in my cave, and it doesn't work. Random networking doesn't work either. Neither does naked mowing...

Still need a volunteer or two if you want to pass this blog onto anyone bored??

* Apparently it wasn't me, although I remember fixing the mower and have a bad cut on my hand where I lost my mobile phone through a hedge**

** Found it, as owl adds, it is now 1 - 1 on the lost and found mobile phone subject, although I found both phones

Putting My Garden To Bed

AS SUMMER STARTS TO ARRIVE, IT'S TIME TO BATTON THE HATCHES AND SAVE THE SMALL UNIVERSE THAT IS QUINTA STUART

Compost toilet and the solar bedroom - all for that unique experience

The morning sun floods into the solar house

Morning campers (that was the rainbow you know!)

A day of 30 plus celcius reminded me that hot days and dry gardens loom ahead. In the last three days, the neighbours fields have started to brown off, the remaining favas have dried on the stalks (next years seeds) and I have reinstalled my outside bathroom. Strong winds have moved from the cold Northerly via a couple of Easterlys to the summer South westerly.

And Nigella is back on TV, which really is the best bit. Still no sign of old satchel head, her absent hubby so the coast is also clear for me. I have written her a poem, so if any of you are calling in for a cup of rich hot sensual cocoa in the next day or two, could you pass it on.

" Nigella, Nigella, I watch you galore.

I really are my fvorite carni...vore

I watch you wearing my boxing gloves

To stop my straying one handed love.

More gratitude than gratin,

More tit than tarte tartin,

At night in the pantry with your black dressing gown,

I love you I love you, leave saatchi now!"

Raised beds, filled and planted with automatic irrigation

After the winters tree planting, we have finished building some simple raised beds using builders planks and filled with matured horse manure. On the uprights of our glorriette (pergola with a roof to go on it) we have planted struck cuttings of the strong white Algarvean native climbing Rose, this will give us summer shade and hopefully save us water next summer. Peppers, Tomatoes, Courgettes, Aubergines, late Potatoes, Pumpkins, Butternuts and lots of onions will fill out the beds and hopefully cope with the hot summer sun.

With the remaining manure, we have remulched all the side beds, fruit trees and all the vines. It definately cuts down on the watering and adds much needed food to my poor soil, although I will still have to add some organic feed to a few yellowing courgettes.

All the irrigation has been repaired and buried, although I must admit it is 50 - 50 between the dogs and my mini digger on who destroys most.

..

Peas, carrots and Nasturtians abound!

Work is busy for once, and we have just renovated an old meadow. Yesterday we removed a big lawn that will be turned into an orchard and cactus garden. Slowly, people are coming to reason that high water bills and maintenance are not the future.

A mock dry river bed divides this simple meadow garden

The Sevillean Rose thrives on little water and vast quantities of beer from the Perdiz gardener...

STILL WANTED!!!

There are occasional vacancies for volunteers at Quinta Stuart. Currently we need help to finish the eco bathroom and putting the tipi up.

THANKS

Thanks to Linda for joining our blog - she runs thedesperategardeners.blogspot.com, a very relevant blog based in Arizona. Thanks to Wildside Holidays for lots of referals re renting the Owl House. Thanks to all my members and readers - without yo, slander would never travel so fast. Thanks to Jacqui Smith for changing her mobile number and finally thanks to Nigella for the whipped cream.....

Peas, Breeze .. and no sleaze!!

FOR ONCE, STUART MANAGES TO AVOID PUTTING HIS HIGH HEELED JACK BOOTS INTO THE POLITICAL SLURRY OF ENGLISH GOVERNMENT

Because:-

a) I haven't watched TV for a few days
b) The dog ate the Sunday Times

c) Jacqui Smith is on holiday (on the tax payers expense)

d) All the above and life is just too short..

I actually put my boots on and followed the dog around a really beautiful valley East of Sao Bras, an area called Carrasquira. Dotted, hidden in trees were several wooden huts, all with solar panels, some with chimneys, decks, shaded terraces. With one or two poços (wells) nearby, not a bad place to live - but there was virtually no growing of vegetables or fruit trees, and with a long trek to any local market not the ideal place to live.

Two houses like these plus solar panels and well for 90,000 euros?

All the soil has been washed or eroded by wind over the last few hundred years into a rich alluvial soil in the bottom of the valley, where vegetables and fruit trees abound... all owned by the local Portuguese without a Brit of German to be seen. Think there might be a lesson there!

Growing on the North face of a steep hill helos retain the bright hues of blue

The shepherd tracks up to the summit were littered with wild flowers, all blue, I guess from growing on the shady North side of the hill. On reaching the summit, I came across the only fence in the whole area and was stopped from continuing by this stupid line of steel surrounding Stalaghouse 16, a massive monolith of a villa all shuttered up and probably guarded by evil vultures. What is the lure of owning something so big that it would take you a week to open all the windows? Unless you live in the basement, of course.... must be Austrian owned.

A nice few showers has kept the garden moist, the fruit is growing on my trees and my peas are running amok. I bought half a litre of seeds about four years ago for 50 cents, and the ten I planted six weeks ago are dripping with pods. So easy, so little watering needed. It is a critical time for the new fruit trees, they need a lot of water to stop the fruit from dropping. Whilst wiser to concentrate on getting the tree stronger by removing the fruit.

Heck, life is too short, the fruit is staying. Death isn't something we're born afraid of, it's something we learn to fear. Children have no concept of death, from five to eight, they have a vague understanding of the finality of death and only from nine onwards to they understand that one day it may happen to them. My awakening came at the age of eleven when my gran died. She had always terrified me by leaving an empty bucket by my bed when there was a loo just down the hall and force feeding me vast quantities of toast (She once fed me 12 slices in one sitting, but I should explain she was so slow in cooking them that it kind of encompassed breakfast lunch and dinner in one go..) I was amazed that not only was the mass feeder no longer around but my Dad ended up with an extra house - shame we can't have loads of grans!

Mind you, it was only a stones throw from the pub - not a five km hike like the wooden house above!

P.S. I lied about the sleaze. Print this coupon and cut it out. Take it to your local massage parlour and tell them Tony the Greek gave it to you. See you next week, Stu x

Strawberries, Sawdust, Sex and Swastikas

Dispondent TMN staff, subtle clues to fascist origins...

Held down at gunpoint, robbed and pistol whipped, the three thieves with the unmistakeable SS iron cross around their neck and a warped T on their back left me alone and I was able to leave the bloody TMN repair shop unaided.

Finally I have installed my SIXTH TMN mobile modem. Or should I say it works on my laptop but not on my Mac or Owl's PC..... It's been a strange week. Time for another politician -kinky sex - true story!

Former spin doctor Alistair likes cooking, likes cooking naked and whilst under stress likes to hold his "tool". When his wife returned home last week, she found him bathing his love stick in a cup of milk. After her initial shock (Jaqui Smith would have smiled), he protested his innocent lactic coated wanger. It turns out he was peeling chillis and at the time accidentally held his stress releasing truncheon.

Sometimes holding a candle for Permaculture hurts. I failed to convince a new client that a big new lawn was non sustainable and a meadow with fruit trees was nicer, then I crashed into an ice sculpture truck and snapped Tiger Woods head off (it was the centre piece of some golf tournament dinner), gout, a broken house pump and leaking pipes later.
Note the missing head........

Happy Easter.. heck I like a challenge but not every day of my wonderful life:-

You know, I was whipped as a child,

Beaten up as a teenager,

Mugged as an adult,

Ripped to bits by a savage dog,

Saddened by the death of my parents

Hardened by divorce

And I can still cry my eyes out to a slushy movie..

So I have decided to get hard. And I give you lesson number one. Airports are portals of doom and destruction, germs and genocide. Avoid at all costs. If not ...............

The Burger King credit card, eat now pay later

HOW TO TURN A CREDIT CARD INTO A KNIFE

1. Select a stiff credit card - or use an old hotel room key card.

2. Take a single edged disposable razor such as a plastic bic.

3. Break the plastic head apart and remove the blade.

4. Super glue the blade to the corner of the card at an angle. It should protrude about 2 mm above the card.
5. Cover the lower part of the blade with strong tape to keep it from snagging when making deep cuts.
6. Keep the card blade down behind your drivers license.

7. This way, if someone asks you for your ID or bank card, you can whip it out and slice their neck

8. NB Although I don't fly, because of the small blade, it can be carried safely through most metal detectors.

Makes you wonder what genuinely nasty people carry on them?

TWO METHODS TO ATTACK ....... THE STOCK MARKET

Doesn't common sense tell you to stay away from casinos and online gambling .. otherwise known as the stock market.

Mr A. (Not his real name, is it Mr R.) advocates diving in now to the stock market. This plump, diabetic ruin of a man, who would be a real nice guy if he ever shuts up is still buying dodgy Chinese bank shares.

Mr T. (Maybe his real name) has sold all his shares as soon as the banks started to cheat and is somewhat coincidentally currently touring China.

BBC ACTUALLY MENTIONS THE P WORD

Raised beds, morning after the night before...

Yes, Gardeners World last week actually built raised beds and lined them with cardboard, scored some free council compost and mentioned Permaculture. Gosh, next they might even build a compost loo. I wish they might suggest that you could actually share an allotment with a few friends and invest in "Square Foot Gardening", one of the best books on vegetable gardening in small spaces.

It's still a wonderful world, just sometimes you have to remember the best stuff..

Jaqui Smith is the new Kate Moss

Porn Girl Jaqui Outshines Shearers return

It's been a few blogs since I :-

a) Wrote a list

b) Wrote about politics

c) Didn't write about love, sex and the universe

Well, fixed the first one OK...

 I've had quite a crush on Jaqui Smith, the home secretary for a while and after TheDaily  Sleeze found that her husband bought two blue movies with our credit card (i.e taxpayers money), they completely lost the plot. Instead of him apologizing, she should have faced the Sky news twerp, and commented " We have a very active sex life". It would have been the best 0.00000562 pence each tax payer could have spent, and it would have wound up my Jaqui Smith and moi fantasies to the next level. I mean, 2000 pounds each to give bankers extra bonuses for failing or 1\2p in your life time, you choose.

If you keep adding bits to your garden, one of the best pleasures in life (other than Jaqui Smith appearing in yer dreams or Alan Shearer becoming Newcastle manager) is coming across dormant food stores. My Jerusalem Artichokes have been dormant for months and only accidentally I came across a shload* of them as I dug to fix a tube. They are a tuber \ potato that are great roasted. As soon as they shoot or before (if you can find them), they can be picked. As soon as they head skywards (they are sun flower family), leave them until completely died back. Very little water needed and survives hot  hot climes - they line the entrance up at Tamera.

About a kilo from the original tuba in one year - this is "future food". 

I have been working in Messines again - home of great coffee and the Winge Family Naggingson

(the incestuous tree squatting neighbours). Oh to have soil like this, alluvial, silty, free draining strong red soil. It rocks! I built a raised vegetable bed using rock dug up from the swimming pool, sand and a little cement left by the builder and filled up using the alluvial soil and some humanure recycled compost. Whilst not 100% eco, it will be an area that is sat on, leaned over, so the use of high carbon cement was essential for strength and with good localized irrigation, an easy way to grow some nice vegetables - climbing tomatoes, corgettes, aubergines and peppers for starters.

Use of local rocks and soil kept the price down. At a handy height of 50cms, you can reach over to all areas without having to compact the soil \ manure mix. Good veg = non compacted soil + regular watering!!

How did you all fare with last Saturday nights storm? Here near Faro we had 27mm in six hours with reports of even higher near Loule. Check the Extreme Weather link on the right or Ricks Algarve Weather Station lower down for a continuous update on all rain totals. It was magic here, with a big lightening storm here and really drumming on our tin roof. It drained away so quickly, a warning of how dry the Algarve gets so suddenly.

One nights rain, no puddles by midday...

The rain did reduce my manure pile and encourage me to fill another couple of my raised beds, after picking a record crop of broad beans - so easy to grow, throw then into any ground after the first rains of the winter and just watch them!! No chemicals, no manure or fertilizing, just pure food.

Green compost (grass cuttings), a layer of cardboard then my rotted manure on top. I will leave for a couple of weeks before planting my summer crops - all hot weather stuff, tomatoes, peppers, corgettes, aubergines et al.

This week has been great for harvesting my Brocolli, my Loquat (Nespeiras) and the ongoing crop of Cape Gooseberry. Remember the more you plant, especially fruit trees and repeating veg like the jerusalem Artichoke, the more you have free of charge. You can't beat a free eat.

This is the single large floret version  - six weeks from seedling to plate

Loquat, the first of the stone fruit crops at Quinta Stuart this year, great for chutney or jam. Pick and use the same day, it rots so quick.

Cape Gooseberry, tasty little fruit, nearly all year round, just like Jaqui Smith.......

( * collective noun for a bucket full of vegetables!)

Chinese Pirate Ship Found in Olhao!

Heavy storms, strong winds leave Chinese junk nearly 100 metres inland from the coast of Olhao in the Eastern Algarve

Jack Sparrow was asleep in the Fiat Ducato

Almost like a scene from Pirates of the Caribean, we came across this monolith of a wooden boat, propped on stilts about 100 metres away from the water next to the industrial estate on the Eastern edge of the port of Olhao. It is fantastic but weighing in at several hundred tonnes, and lying untouched for four years, slowly dying. The same thinks me, as the world. After the Russians \ Iranians diverted the main sources to the Aral Sea, enormous tankers can be found HUNDREDS of miles from a small lake that is left of this once mar fantastico. The Iranians are trying to redirect water to start filling it again, but too little too late I guess.

Fretwork and Chinese writing, this was an emperors ship

Eventually a sluggish not Jack Sparrow emerged from the white van to tell us that this boat was given by the Chinese to an Englishman who sold it to a Portuguese man who moved it here four years ago. I want it, I really want it. I want to dig a hole on my garden and plant it there and live on it, complete with scull and cross bones and a few skeletons. We didn't get to look around it - I suspect a packet of cigarettes and a bottle of red from Sete Estrelas might do the trick next time.

Still an active boat yard with low technology, love it

Welcome to follower no 19, Linda Barreiro, the Sunflower. One more follower and the cat is saved - we move on to a purple rhino next... or a few politicians maybe. There is an opportunity next month for a volunteer at Quinta Stuart, to strip and sand some tipi poles and erect it and help finish off the new eco bathroom. Room, light lunch and cooked dinner offered. You can contact me at stuartmerelie@gmail.com. One person only.

In response to a followers question, I don't put my e mail address around too much as I get swamped with volunteer requests and it wears me out!!

This green green Spring continues, now sitting out at sun down and lots of solar hot water. The need to water my new fruit trees more is a reminder to mulch them and with the dying off of the Bermuda Buttercup weed, time to attack the tall upright weeds which are now exploding out of the ground. It is time to stop planting any more trees and carefully extend and modify my irrigation. Every time we go away, we lose so many trees and find that drought resistant trees have been watered by mistake, wasting my rain water only water supply. Kind of reminds me of a boat out of water....

Echium and Peppers, summers coming

Sun, Sex and a burnt prawn curry at the OK Quinta

Good Morning Portugal!!

Well, I feel blessed to be alive this week after being pursued by Tony One Tooth, Paula Non Stop, Valdemar the Winge, four GNR officers and oh yes two members of the Ambient Death Squad AND a few hundred caterpillars. For those with little time to read my missive, I survived, I partied and I am dead good looking.

For fourteen years, three pine trees overhung my friends property, on the neighbours land. Never a neighbour seen, I cut them down. After being affected by those horrid caterpillars, just as I had fallen three massive pines, the prodigal neighbour arrived... 

a) Tony One Tooth, Patriach, one long bottom tooth.. " It's like having had my legs chopped off!"

b) Paula Non Stop, wife of above "Unbelievable (x 100)"

c) Valdemar the Winge "Like losing my son.."

d) The police "Sort it yourselves"

e) Ambient "Sort it yourselves"

Moral of the story, get a good owner on your side, check with other locals the status of the Winge Family and don't get caught in future. Cost me a nights sleep though.

 It's tricky being the Robin Hood of the Landscaping and Permaculture world. A tough life but I love it!

The sun is out and the future is great. Whilst bankers moan their lack of bonus, our chickens are laying well, cabbages, beans and onions abound. I look forward to the future, to equality, to enjoying simple things not expecting new cars and fancy meals but teaching my kids backgammon and last generations card games, pic nics, bike rides, camping, window shopping, hey even smiling!! Read again what I have just written and these are activities that bring immense joy and cost ZIP. What fun the BMW service bill?

Two litres of boiling water in 26 minutes - in March?

Solar Prawn Curry anyone?

The new solar cooker from Spain is now set up and is incredible. I see no reason for anyone cooking during the summer days to use electricity or gas. They deliver to Portugal and the web site is www.generador-electrico.com. This dish was about 100 euros delivered - worth every cent. It gives out the heat equivelent to a big gas ring. It isn't going to take long to get the investment back and it really is easy to use.

One of my other investments this week is The Owl Energy Monitor. Full reports on this have been done by Permaculture Magazine and it is brilliant. Not as brilliant as having a purely solar electric system like Rainbows (check out Jonathon at ola@rainbowcommunities.org if you want a good high quality installation) but fantastic to see where all your beer money is being wasted on standbys, silly plugs etc. It consists of a sensor fitted to the incoming supply of your fuse board that trasmits to a clock that you can sit anywhere (mine is on the kitchen worktop) that tells you precisely how many watts you are using or how many euros per day et you are spending. I have struck a deal with the suppliers to import them to Portugal and the price will be around 60 euros. E mail me at stuartmerelie@gmail.com if I can help you.

Standbys, transformers and just naughty plugs - this machine saves money by showing you how much you bloody waste!!!

Just in case you thought I took time off, I have just finished my passive solar cooker, mentioned in my last blog. We had teething problems - lack of heat after we fitted the black painted tin surround and had to resort to lining the sides with tin foil. The bottom is still black and acts as a heat sink and we broke the 100 celcius barrier this week end (white bit on end of finger to prove it!). And yes, it makes great bread. 

A great week. Small investments, good savings and great food. Good luck John LW and Judith, best of luck on your return to UK and see you somewhere soon xx. Life's great, don't use a bank!

The solar cooker. 100 celcius free of charge.