Bending, Surfing and Life On The Road

THE TALKING ANIMAL PRODUCTION COMPANY .....The only way to here the truth in this world full of lies!!

Somali pirates hiding in Azenha de Mar

Ahh.... Morning campers. A week on the road with Owl, Sooty and the camper has lowered the blood pressure and increased the bad joke to good joke ratio...

Alan / I am going to divorce the wife, she hasn-t spoken to me for two months

Fred \ I wouldn-t do that, such women are hard to find.

My kind of woman

The week started with a couple of days at Rainbow, building a bender with Jonathon and bender specialist Mary Salix. Whilst not ground breakingly new for me, it really showed that anything can be used to make a quick windproof and homely shelter. Sizzling hot weather, bread oven pizza, a lesson on clipping Romao the Donkeys hooves and a driving lesson on donkey and cart completed a nice low carbon week end.

Courgettes in car tyres

And as a special gift to all you lovely people, I share a sneak preview of the TAP film companies new film, Talking Donkies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nGZlGt_1uM

The west coast of Portugal from Aljezur to Vila Nova de Milfonts is blessed with some amazing little coves and fishing ports. Unfortunatley the towns close to them are new, scruffy and the food offered not fresh and very expensive. Fish restaurants with no fresh fish on display but a long list of them on the menu?? The prettiest and only town with a little style and atmosphere was Monte Clerigo, due West of Aljezur. Seeing the sun set into the sea was my main pull. We parked on the pavement at Azenha de Mar, overhanging the Atlantic. With no bar or restaurant, we would have been lost without the gin and camper... and the production crew

Blue Lagoon anyone?

and another classic from TAP

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLL9Qfpqd5c

Nice artistic pic by Owl of ruin at sunset

Twenty Three Minute Chicken Blows Away Master Chef Puffs

FAMOUS HAS BEEN CHEF DUO DON'T BUY RONALDO OR NEWCASTLE UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB!!

42 in the shade - ideal cooking temperature for the solar cooker

So celebrity masterchef has started again. The only thing sadder is that Newcastle United are up for sale and the asking price for the entire club,trophy room with adequete space for several trophies, 38 restaurantes and all is the same price that Real Madrid are paying for that manky monkey cheese head Ronaldo...

23 minute solar chicken - the oven would have taken an hour, therefore I beat Master Chef and thencefore christen them Little Chef and the Bald One..

The solar cooker was supplied from www.generador-electrico.com and cost about 100 euros including delivery from Spain. Although a little rickerty, it is easy to use and man can it heat anything!! I put a newsaper on the centre pot holder a few days ago to see how focused the beam was and it burst into flames within one second. Having set fire to the fence twice, you really have to pay attention whilst not using it. Really is a zero carbon success story.

Casa Mexico, the eco kitchen and bathroom are finally finished. A 25m coil of 3\4" black tube sits snuggly on a black roofing membrane to provide the hot water. 25 metres of this tube contains 10 litres of pre heated water - perfect for a shower or washing up. All used water goes into a tank at the back to be used on the garden.

      

           Kitchen area

Intrepid camera man hangs upside down for the perfect shot of the Owl bathroom mirror!!

Small pumpkin hides under wilting leaf in the hot sun. This variety is called Gentle Giant, and can grow to 80 kilos!!!

Prodical daughter returns for the holiday week end from her boarding school up at Alter De Chão, East of Coimbro - what are they feeding her??

STOP PRESS!!!!!!

Mega thanks to Calvin of Agarve Tipis for putting up my new tipi, what a gent.

Photos of this in my next blog. Off to Rainbow to see Jonathon and bend some willow and dance to the summer solstice and see the starts and and and............ bye friends!!

PS Anyone know how I can change the date of this blog. I actually published it today, 19th of june but started it on the 12th as proclaimed above Annoying!!

Death of a Princess

MURDER AND MYSTERY AT QUINTA STUART!!

Yes, a sad day at Quinta Stuart with the discovery of a dead chicken in my chicken ark. Poor Gerry was a little stiff and very quiet and lying on her side. After a little detective work, I deduced she was dead, cause of death unknown - no marks, no suicide note, no guilty looking chicken looking on. Any ideas dear readers? Holly suspects a snake attack as we have a few around at the moment.. Can I put a new one in with Kate or will they fight too much?

New sign at Quinta Stuart - an old pallet, cost zero!!

I emptied my second compost heap this week - really rich compost but definately anarobic - heavy smelly and compacted. The Humanure Handbook, one of the best books on compost toilets and composting claims there are no advantages to turning compost piles regularly, Monty Don, ex Gardeners World, swore by turning his compost heaps every fortnight or so. Maybe it depends on what goes in. I always try and keep it light, if I add a load of green weeds, then I will add a layer of more open greenery, but it didn't work. The compost is strong and will add strength to a raised bed that had burnt out the imported sub - strato in only three months.

Something satisfying about your own compost!!

The slow careful study of land is a big part of permaculture, and the longer I live, the more I understand. If you plough your land every season, then the erosion increases and a lot of micro nutrients are lost. Conversely it makes barren lands open to the rains and starts a different cycle of local species of plants (weeds if not a nitrogen fixer or grazing crop!!)

One piece of land attached to our property has not been touched for several years. The Almonds are all dead (still useful as a firewood bank) and the land has only wild thyme growing on it - great for my lebanese bread and pizzas. So what at a glance is worthless has at least two useful aspects, as well as no erosion in the form of dust into our house and a natural barrier for privacy (difficult to walk over)

Sea of Thyme, Ghosts of Almonds.

Advance notice - Going on a bender!!!

Ever thought willow bending was just for an uncomfortable igloo or sweat lodge? Think again. Jonathon and Jennie are playing host to Mary Salix, willow bender. Between the 20th and 22nd June, they will be running a three day course up at Rainbow, near Odemira - what a beautiful excuse to see the summer solstice under the stars and learn something different? Contact Jonathon for more details (solar@rainbowtradingpost.com)

Need a cheap green house? Willow can do it!!

One lesson I have learnt this year is to not ignore flowering plants in my Permaculture garden.

The mix of bulbs and stoloniferous perennials is a great addition to my garden - little water and

care, they break up the monotony of vegetables and will create low water micro enviroments year by year. 

This climbing rose gets no water and the thorns make it a handy barrier.

Bread workshop at Quinta Stuart

Thanks to all those people that turned up for last weeks "Use your Loaf" bread making session at Quinta Stuart. Unfortunately the bad weather forced us indoors, and after a glass of wine or two, we had some great results.

The topping on the round bread is Thyme, Rhus and Olive oil.

Uncle Calvins sign after some annonymous punk added graffitti...

Bananas and Tripe

Last orders at The Toon Saloon

I won't let Newcastle United's inability to kick their way out of a wet paper back get in the way of a brilliant week end away. Shearer now apparently runs a chip shop with Elvis and Princess Diana somewhere near Albufeira. Like my blog, good things come to those who wait, but man why couldn't I have been born in Manchester or Delhi so I could see some silverware....

As a man who tries not to fly, every time I look up, the sky is criss crossed with slashes of vapour trails. Do you remember when air hostesses used to be five feet ten, stunning and have to have a university degree AND were told off if they didn't give enough gin out? Now we get Tracy from Essex pouring 200cc of warm beer in your lap and charging 35 quid for the priviledge. Third runway at Heathrow? One is enough - level all the flight prices and forget so called hubs and global trade ( or lack of it if there isn't enough runway space) Eat local, trade local, die local.

Calvin's greenhouse and 20,000 tomatoes ripe in three weeks..

New bar and kitchen area at Tipi Algarve

We have just returned from a week end around Monchique. Friday night was at Tipi Algarve, Calvin and Nadines on the way up to Monchique. And

a) Wow... seven tipis and a yurt and a fabulous bar \ communal area, the place looks great

b) Sorry I got so drunk

c) Sorry to the Woofers who I woke up at 3 am mowing the lawn naked withh Garth Brookes on at full blast*

d) After haking around my banana to fix a tube it has started flowering  -turns out I left too many babies around the mother ship - one or two max.

e) Tripe is my woffling blog - such a good week end, thanks all!

My own vapour trail

Saturday night we stayed in the middle of nowhere, without a street light to be seen unfortunately the clouds and rain moved in to stop any view of the stars, but allowed us to safetly BBQ a few chilli beans., using charcoal hewn from a seven year old forest fire. What a spot - 7km North of Monchique. Within two minutes of driving a km off the road, a local arrived, shook my hand, smiled and said "Ar Pura" (fresh air) and gave me a bunch of flowers. Fearing a scene from the film Deliverance, I took the flowers which turned out to be a stress reliving tea. It worked, he didn't return in the middle of the night with a pick up, large mates and guns.

The view from the bedroom window, middle of nowhere

Tea, deliverance style

Thanks to Jonathan of Rainbow, I installed an Apple Struddle inverter and had full internet access, dodgy DVD show and a shave really in the middle of nowhere. We will return on a clear night and view the stars like I used to when Portugal didn't have street lights anywhere - this is more sky pollution.

Owl and The Indiana Jones Look

On Sunday we caught up with Lesley Martins, Permaculture teacher and really fantastic lady, and swopped addresses, contacts and thoughts. Unless you get out, meet similar minded people (via the Net) you cannot progress in this life. I am often guilty of hiding in my cave, and it doesn't work. Random networking doesn't work either. Neither does naked mowing...

Still need a volunteer or two if you want to pass this blog onto anyone bored??

* Apparently it wasn't me, although I remember fixing the mower and have a bad cut on my hand where I lost my mobile phone through a hedge**

** Found it, as owl adds, it is now 1 - 1 on the lost and found mobile phone subject, although I found both phones

Putting My Garden To Bed

AS SUMMER STARTS TO ARRIVE, IT'S TIME TO BATTON THE HATCHES AND SAVE THE SMALL UNIVERSE THAT IS QUINTA STUART

Compost toilet and the solar bedroom - all for that unique experience

The morning sun floods into the solar house

Morning campers (that was the rainbow you know!)

A day of 30 plus celcius reminded me that hot days and dry gardens loom ahead. In the last three days, the neighbours fields have started to brown off, the remaining favas have dried on the stalks (next years seeds) and I have reinstalled my outside bathroom. Strong winds have moved from the cold Northerly via a couple of Easterlys to the summer South westerly.

And Nigella is back on TV, which really is the best bit. Still no sign of old satchel head, her absent hubby so the coast is also clear for me. I have written her a poem, so if any of you are calling in for a cup of rich hot sensual cocoa in the next day or two, could you pass it on.

" Nigella, Nigella, I watch you galore.

I really are my fvorite carni...vore

I watch you wearing my boxing gloves

To stop my straying one handed love.

More gratitude than gratin,

More tit than tarte tartin,

At night in the pantry with your black dressing gown,

I love you I love you, leave saatchi now!"

Raised beds, filled and planted with automatic irrigation

After the winters tree planting, we have finished building some simple raised beds using builders planks and filled with matured horse manure. On the uprights of our glorriette (pergola with a roof to go on it) we have planted struck cuttings of the strong white Algarvean native climbing Rose, this will give us summer shade and hopefully save us water next summer. Peppers, Tomatoes, Courgettes, Aubergines, late Potatoes, Pumpkins, Butternuts and lots of onions will fill out the beds and hopefully cope with the hot summer sun.

With the remaining manure, we have remulched all the side beds, fruit trees and all the vines. It definately cuts down on the watering and adds much needed food to my poor soil, although I will still have to add some organic feed to a few yellowing courgettes.

All the irrigation has been repaired and buried, although I must admit it is 50 - 50 between the dogs and my mini digger on who destroys most.

..

Peas, carrots and Nasturtians abound!

Work is busy for once, and we have just renovated an old meadow. Yesterday we removed a big lawn that will be turned into an orchard and cactus garden. Slowly, people are coming to reason that high water bills and maintenance are not the future.

A mock dry river bed divides this simple meadow garden

The Sevillean Rose thrives on little water and vast quantities of beer from the Perdiz gardener...

STILL WANTED!!!

There are occasional vacancies for volunteers at Quinta Stuart. Currently we need help to finish the eco bathroom and putting the tipi up.

THANKS

Thanks to Linda for joining our blog - she runs thedesperategardeners.blogspot.com, a very relevant blog based in Arizona. Thanks to Wildside Holidays for lots of referals re renting the Owl House. Thanks to all my members and readers - without yo, slander would never travel so fast. Thanks to Jacqui Smith for changing her mobile number and finally thanks to Nigella for the whipped cream.....

Peas, Breeze .. and no sleaze!!

FOR ONCE, STUART MANAGES TO AVOID PUTTING HIS HIGH HEELED JACK BOOTS INTO THE POLITICAL SLURRY OF ENGLISH GOVERNMENT

Because:-

a) I haven't watched TV for a few days
b) The dog ate the Sunday Times

c) Jacqui Smith is on holiday (on the tax payers expense)

d) All the above and life is just too short..

I actually put my boots on and followed the dog around a really beautiful valley East of Sao Bras, an area called Carrasquira. Dotted, hidden in trees were several wooden huts, all with solar panels, some with chimneys, decks, shaded terraces. With one or two poços (wells) nearby, not a bad place to live - but there was virtually no growing of vegetables or fruit trees, and with a long trek to any local market not the ideal place to live.

Two houses like these plus solar panels and well for 90,000 euros?

All the soil has been washed or eroded by wind over the last few hundred years into a rich alluvial soil in the bottom of the valley, where vegetables and fruit trees abound... all owned by the local Portuguese without a Brit of German to be seen. Think there might be a lesson there!

Growing on the North face of a steep hill helos retain the bright hues of blue

The shepherd tracks up to the summit were littered with wild flowers, all blue, I guess from growing on the shady North side of the hill. On reaching the summit, I came across the only fence in the whole area and was stopped from continuing by this stupid line of steel surrounding Stalaghouse 16, a massive monolith of a villa all shuttered up and probably guarded by evil vultures. What is the lure of owning something so big that it would take you a week to open all the windows? Unless you live in the basement, of course.... must be Austrian owned.

A nice few showers has kept the garden moist, the fruit is growing on my trees and my peas are running amok. I bought half a litre of seeds about four years ago for 50 cents, and the ten I planted six weeks ago are dripping with pods. So easy, so little watering needed. It is a critical time for the new fruit trees, they need a lot of water to stop the fruit from dropping. Whilst wiser to concentrate on getting the tree stronger by removing the fruit.

Heck, life is too short, the fruit is staying. Death isn't something we're born afraid of, it's something we learn to fear. Children have no concept of death, from five to eight, they have a vague understanding of the finality of death and only from nine onwards to they understand that one day it may happen to them. My awakening came at the age of eleven when my gran died. She had always terrified me by leaving an empty bucket by my bed when there was a loo just down the hall and force feeding me vast quantities of toast (She once fed me 12 slices in one sitting, but I should explain she was so slow in cooking them that it kind of encompassed breakfast lunch and dinner in one go..) I was amazed that not only was the mass feeder no longer around but my Dad ended up with an extra house - shame we can't have loads of grans!

Mind you, it was only a stones throw from the pub - not a five km hike like the wooden house above!

P.S. I lied about the sleaze. Print this coupon and cut it out. Take it to your local massage parlour and tell them Tony the Greek gave it to you. See you next week, Stu x

Strawberries, Sawdust, Sex and Swastikas

Dispondent TMN staff, subtle clues to fascist origins...

Held down at gunpoint, robbed and pistol whipped, the three thieves with the unmistakeable SS iron cross around their neck and a warped T on their back left me alone and I was able to leave the bloody TMN repair shop unaided.

Finally I have installed my SIXTH TMN mobile modem. Or should I say it works on my laptop but not on my Mac or Owl's PC..... It's been a strange week. Time for another politician -kinky sex - true story!

Former spin doctor Alistair likes cooking, likes cooking naked and whilst under stress likes to hold his "tool". When his wife returned home last week, she found him bathing his love stick in a cup of milk. After her initial shock (Jaqui Smith would have smiled), he protested his innocent lactic coated wanger. It turns out he was peeling chillis and at the time accidentally held his stress releasing truncheon.

Sometimes holding a candle for Permaculture hurts. I failed to convince a new client that a big new lawn was non sustainable and a meadow with fruit trees was nicer, then I crashed into an ice sculpture truck and snapped Tiger Woods head off (it was the centre piece of some golf tournament dinner), gout, a broken house pump and leaking pipes later.
Note the missing head........

Happy Easter.. heck I like a challenge but not every day of my wonderful life:-

You know, I was whipped as a child,

Beaten up as a teenager,

Mugged as an adult,

Ripped to bits by a savage dog,

Saddened by the death of my parents

Hardened by divorce

And I can still cry my eyes out to a slushy movie..

So I have decided to get hard. And I give you lesson number one. Airports are portals of doom and destruction, germs and genocide. Avoid at all costs. If not ...............

The Burger King credit card, eat now pay later

HOW TO TURN A CREDIT CARD INTO A KNIFE

1. Select a stiff credit card - or use an old hotel room key card.

2. Take a single edged disposable razor such as a plastic bic.

3. Break the plastic head apart and remove the blade.

4. Super glue the blade to the corner of the card at an angle. It should protrude about 2 mm above the card.
5. Cover the lower part of the blade with strong tape to keep it from snagging when making deep cuts.
6. Keep the card blade down behind your drivers license.

7. This way, if someone asks you for your ID or bank card, you can whip it out and slice their neck

8. NB Although I don't fly, because of the small blade, it can be carried safely through most metal detectors.

Makes you wonder what genuinely nasty people carry on them?

TWO METHODS TO ATTACK ....... THE STOCK MARKET

Doesn't common sense tell you to stay away from casinos and online gambling .. otherwise known as the stock market.

Mr A. (Not his real name, is it Mr R.) advocates diving in now to the stock market. This plump, diabetic ruin of a man, who would be a real nice guy if he ever shuts up is still buying dodgy Chinese bank shares.

Mr T. (Maybe his real name) has sold all his shares as soon as the banks started to cheat and is somewhat coincidentally currently touring China.

BBC ACTUALLY MENTIONS THE P WORD

Raised beds, morning after the night before...

Yes, Gardeners World last week actually built raised beds and lined them with cardboard, scored some free council compost and mentioned Permaculture. Gosh, next they might even build a compost loo. I wish they might suggest that you could actually share an allotment with a few friends and invest in "Square Foot Gardening", one of the best books on vegetable gardening in small spaces.

It's still a wonderful world, just sometimes you have to remember the best stuff..